Bush Cheney Buy Judicial Branch for $2 Per Share
WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush and Vice President Richard B. Cheney announced today their intention to acquire the United States Judicial Branch for $35 million, or $2 per share, and announced that the Federal Reserve would provide up to $35 million in guaranteed financing should the Judicial Branch prove to be worth less.
“My time’s running out, but this gives us a chance to still make a little noise,” said Bush. “Lame duck, my ass.”
Dick Cheney was almost as gleeful. “And don’t expect us to pull a JPMorgan Chase (JPM) / Bear Stearns (BSC) deal and up the offer, either,” said the vice president. “Our shareholders have spent plenty over the last eight years to acquire a majority stake in the judicial branch. To offer anything more would be an insult to them. This is their just desserts.”
Sources say that Bush and Cheney had explored acquiring the Legislative Branch, but that House rabble-rouser Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) refused to be bought for anything less than $3.50. Senator Joe Lieberman was said to have been enthusiastic about the deal, trying to convince his fellow senators that Bush-Cheney’s offer was actually a premium to the senators’ true worth of $1.75 each. When the deal for the House and Senate fell through, the president and vice president returned to the lower hanging fruit of the Judiciary.
Most analysts applauded the deal, with some speculating that Bush and/or Cheney may envision themselves sitting on the Supreme Court should the opportunity arise to throw a future presidential election the Republicans’ way. In an interview, Bush chuckled at the notion.
“With a little more foresight, I never woulda made John Roberts chief justice,” said Bush. ”He’s a little younger than me. Well, hell, Ginsburg can’t last forever. I just might get my shot. Don’t know as I can say the same for Dick, though… with that jumpy ticker and all.”
Bush mentioned that the Judicial Branch purchase would all be put on his Judiciary Rewards Visa, a move that Justin McHenry, Research Director at IndexCreditCards.com, a site that compares credit cards and tracks the industry, sees as shrewd.
“The Judiciary Rewards Visa is definitely a niche credit card, “said McHenry. “But when you consider that it offers 5% cash back on all buying of judges, along with 1% back on all other purchases, it’s conceivable that President Bush could actually receive more in rewards than the Judicial Branch ultimately turns out to be worth.”
Bush thanked the Federal Reserve for their backup in making the deal happen, “You’re doing a helluva job, Bernanke-ee. Dang, that’s hard to say. Gonna have to come up with a new nickname for Bennie.”
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